Grade A indie junkie. My blog consists of whatever I want. atheist/anti-theist. Portugal. The Man, bitter coffee + tea, sushi, and Apple.
Depression relapses (which are centered around cutting/self-harm) are nothing new to me as I’ve been struggling with this awful fog since I was 12 years old. It sucks having relapses and it sucks having a fresh cut on my body and seeing it healed over into a scar…the constant reminder that I was weak and failed after so many months of hard work is nearly enough to keep me in the thick fog of depression of months at a time. I haven’t had a relapse since last summer, but it’s strange because I find myself displaying similar characteristics of “depressed Mae” such as no motivation, bipolar mood swings, twitches, needing to isolate myself from people. Though it hasn’t been nearly as bad as the usual feelings as I’ve had when I was younger, it’s always so scary to have the fear in the back of my mind that relapsing is still a serious reality for me.
Addiction to drugs, no matter how mild I was/am with it, is still another struggle I am faced with. Turning to acid, molly, shrooms, weed, pills, or whatever to cope with the feelings of suicide were both my live saver and killer to my mind and body. Still to this day, I don’t regret any drug I’ve consumed because it took me going through so much insanity to realize that I don’t need to rely on those things to live.The drugs I once turned to for recreational uses turned into a dependency and now has returned to something I define as “fun” rather than “something I need to do in order to not feel anything.”
Thoughts I have when contemplating my life choices and how I got here. It’s all so weird and interesting to me.